if you think that you cannot stand people who like, talks to themselves and asks themselves questions, then i highly advise you to skip this entry. i hope i don't make anyone vomit blood :D

i was thinking, that i'm always either too high (& spastically gay), dreamy, drunk, sleepy or just angry. i guess are my base moods. i'm so drugged hoho. but i always think to myself, am i born like this or am i just forced to become like that because of my environment? (yeah i know it sounds like i'm debating whether shylock is a villain or a victim but anyway,) i just think and think over so many times, trying to understand myself better, hoping to get an answer and i'll rest my case.

i believe that it's both. my mother is stubborn, and can lose control of herself when she's like FURIOUS (which doesn't really happen often because she's only pissed) and i believe that when she is, she's got enough fire to melt the whole of antarctica. YES I AM SERIOUS. my father on the other hand, has one hell of a bad temper, not to mention that he has it short and hot too. it comes as one whole package you see (: and the very good thing about it is, that once you buy one, you get the other for free! :D i so FORTUNATELY happen to inherit these wonderful genes from them both, which now makes me like the invincible fire-breathing dragon right? (oh, english amuses me so sometimes.)

and i'm very sure that these are one of my biggest turn-offs and weakness, to put it honestly. i'm stubborn, hot tempered, short tempered and very bad tempered. and therefore, the biggest reason to why i seem like i'm angry or just plain consumed with hate, as what some people think. i don't think that it's completely untrue, but i just can't help it sometimes. my temper just rises just as fast it subsides it's really so fascinating to see myself boiling with so much anger and the next minute i'm totally calm. i daresay that since three years ago i've been trying to change for the better and improve my temper but sometimes, when things get nasty the fire just blows up from nowhere.

the wierd thing is, that when i'm angry, i feel powerful. so powerful, unlike the usual weakling with that almost zero self confidence that i take with me. it's hard to explain, but i feel strong when i'm angry. the power surges up with great force and you feel that nothing's gonna take you down without you putting up a strong fight. when i'm REALLY angry (which seldom happens, oh rejoice), i get so boiled that my tears just start to flow. one of the first noticeable signs. then, i just feel that i could stab anyone in the heart, take down a bull, slap anyone on the face, and do anything that i want to do. the heat just boils up to the head and gives me a temporary moment of feeling invincible. i'd wish that my source of anger would explode into bits or let me wipe his or her face on a floor of nails. how much pleasure it would give me if i could fufil it, but temptation must always face a fight with resistance. holding back is one of the hardest things that i try to do and hold be back from trouble. sometimes i think i can't pull it off, but when i think of God and how he would feel if i reacted in the wrong way i'd break his heart and break my promise. (and i fcking hate people who breaks promise or gives empty promises so i always make it a point to keep them.) i tolerate everything, and soon cool off as fast as i was worked up. but honestly, i do feel that one day if i really got angry, i might not be able to take it or hold back anymore and lose control over myself and really harm others. i always let my emotions take control over my brain so there's no telling what i can do when i'm greatly provoked. maybe i might beat the shit out of someone, maybe i might slam someone's head on a wall, i don't know. i hope not. all i know is that i might not be able to hold back anymore, being so consumed with malevolence and just get violent. someone once told me that i scare them when i'm cold and pissed. i wonder what will happen if i'm really angry, which seldom happens. maybe people might decide that i'm a bad person and just leave me. people might conclude that my character isn't that good after all and shun me. then my so-called weapon would be then the cause of my downfall.

this is getting nowhere. i've forgotten my point of my entry. damn, again.

i think anger's a weapon. a powerful yet dangerous weapon. and i think i abuse it. but, i like anger and the power it gives, i really do. maybe i need help.

i've yet to mention that i'm really rude too, together with an attitude problem. but we'll save it for another time huh. don't miss out on another exciting chapter of the invincible fire-breathing dragon HOHO (: